Some of what you wrote sounds really painful. You don't have to hold this on your own. If you're thinking about hurting yourself, please reach out now to one of the services below. They're there for exactly this.
You can book a call with Danny to talk about what's come up.
Book a call with DannyBooking link coming soon.
Find somewhere quiet where you won't be disturbed. Come back to your prompt when you feel settled.